


Smith Hatches A Plan

by ElBevuardo



Category: Hat Films - Fandom
Genre: Gen, High School AU, platonic, smornby, squish, teenage!hats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-06
Updated: 2015-11-06
Packaged: 2018-04-30 08:23:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5156825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElBevuardo/pseuds/ElBevuardo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ross doesn't find it hard to make a fool of himself; he does so often enough that it's almost become second nature to him. But after confessing his childish feelings to the head girl, he feels he's really messed up, and it seems that the only thing to do is to turn to his best friend in an attempt to forget his idiocy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smith Hatches A Plan

**Author's Note:**

> Another prompt-based Hatfic. This one isn't romance-based, which is literally the most refreshing thing oh my god. ("Would you write a fanfiction with any pairing of your choice, and Muse A confesses to a crush but the crush turns them down, so they turn to Muse B for advice and B decides to make them feel better by throwing eggs at fratboy passersby at the canal from on the bridge?") I must say, I really enjoy writing Hatfics, as long as the relationships in them are either platonic or blatantly ace, haha. So yeah. Enjoy!  
> (Quick note: I was literally two seconds away from calling this fic "Rejeggtion". Sort of wish I had. Oh, the egg puns I had to force myself to edit out of this damned fic. The title itself is probably the most subtle egg pun, leave me alone oh my god I'm so lame. Also, I tagged this as Smornby but let's be honest, it's blatantly platonic!Smornby. Say my tags are misleading and I shall fight you)

God _dammit_ , he was such an idiot. Such a stupid, infatuated, worked-up _idiot_. Of course, the first thing he would have done was speak to her straight after class, stop her by her locker, and smile that awkward smile of his at her, insist that he had something to say, and then embarrass himself, right in front of a hallway full of people.

It wasn't as if he could just brush it off. He wasn't one of the popular guys, wasn't one of the high-school-elite that people actually _liked_. He was an insufferable nerd, who spent most of his time playing around with computers and cameras and playing video games, locked away in his room. Why had he thought, for even a second, that she might like him too? He was pathetic. His cheeks burned as he thought about it, and he shook his head, closing his eyes tightly as he leaned against the wooden door that lead to his dorm.

He knew that, if he opened the door, he would be greeted with the familiar sight of an auburn-haired figure sitting on his own bed beneath the window, bent over an acoustic guitar and picking out little tunes here and there. And, sure enough, when Ross opened the door slowly, he was greeted with the sound of steel strings playing a countless number of notes, and his friend, Alex, playing them, before pausing and leaning to the side, grabbing a pencil and quickly scribbling down something on a crumpled piece of paper. At the boy's feet lay a pile of crumpled, balled-up papers, and Ross knew that he was amidst one of his writing sessions. Now would not be a good time to wander in, dour-faced and gloomy. He would only interrupt his friend, and he knew how he fussed about concentration and his need for personal space once in a while.

Alex didn't seem to notice that he wasn't alone anymore, not until Ross had turned his back to him, clicking the door shut as quietly as he could manage. Then, the sound of fingers on steel strings stopped, and Alex spoke up.

"All right, mate? You're back early." He sounded so cheerful, as always, and a part of Ross, however melodramatically, envied him his contentedness. He couldn't bring himself, for a moment, to turn around and face him, to ruin his friend's good mood, not until he had forced a smile onto his face and breathed a deep sigh. Okay. He was okay. It was just a stupid crush, and he'd been rejected before, so he should have been okay.

But half the damned school had seen him being rejected by her, because Ross had stupidly mistaken her kindness for romantic interest, and made a fool of himself. He sighed, and then turned, smiling almost shakily at Alex.

"Er, yeah. Didn't need to drop by the computer lab today, so I got out early." He usually didn't return to his dorm room until much later in the evening, when he had finished studying and he knew Smith would have deemed it too late to keep playing guitar. Smith furrowed his brows, setting his guitar to the side, and Ross wondered if his friend was going through the same facts in his mind. He didn't _seem_ awfully sharp, to begin with, but Alex was very observant, and generally quite quick to pick up on things. Especially things like Ross, who was generally quite calm in an almost lazy manner, acting more jumpy and sensitive than usual.

"Something up, mate? You look a bit..." Alex made an odd " _eh_ " noise as he wobbled his hand a little bit in a gesture that Ross reckoned was meant to mean "off". Ross dropped the smile from his face, then, and sighed.

"Is it that obvious?" He asked, fiddling mindlessly with the hem of his black shirt.

"What's up, man? Apart from, you know, asking Taylor out in the middle of a crowded corridor. Half the school watching, ooh..." He hissed through gritted teeth, and Ross stared at him almost incredulously. "Sorry."

"Yeah, not helping." He glanced down at his feet, noting that his dash across the grass to get back to the dorms after class had covered his shoes in a thick splashing of brown mud. Great. Today was not his day. "So, you know about it, too?" Ross glanced back up, seeing that his friend had planted his sock-clad feet on the carpet, leaning forward and clasping his hands together as he studied him. How did he know about it? All he did was go to a couple classes a day, skip the ones he didn't like, and then hide out in the dorm room he'd shared with Ross since the start of the school year, writing songs and playing video games. He didn't go out much, and he didn't really talk to many people. So how did he already know about what had happened?

"I've heard some things. People passing by in the hallway. Bloody loud, the lot of 'em. Can't they hear I'm working?"

Ross smiled grimly. "I think their full day of schoolwork is a little more gruelling than a few hours of playing guitar for fun, Smith."

"I beg to differ, mate." Alex gestured with a sweeping motion towards the litter of crumpled, lined paper at his feet, kicking at a couple. "I'd say songwriting is gruelling enough. Not that you'd know; only hard work you know of is when you're jerking off in the bathroom like a bloody demon, am I right?" A wicked grin made its way onto his face, his grey-blue eyes flashing menacingly, and Ross felt his face go red, despite knowing that his friend was joking. The problem was that he just wasn't in a joking mood, himself, and Alex seemed to notice this, because his brows furrowed, and he looked suddenly concerned. He rubbed thoughtfully at his unshaven jaw, ginger hairs starting to grow again, and then sighed. "You really like this bird, don't you?"

No shit. Ross had been crushing on her for months. Crushing...was that a strong enough word? He'd had crushes on people before, and he'd never felt this bad after rejection. Maybe he was just tired? A good night's sleep, maybe a little alcohol if he could get any, and he would feel right as rain. He'd be able to walk into class and face the whole ordeal, admit how much of a tool he'd been...

Nah. That wouldn't happen; he knew that. He would wake up the next day, alcohol or not, decent sleep or not, and he would feel as rotten and downtrodden as he did right now. He would slink into class just before the bell, and everyone would laugh at him, because he was a pathetic loser. At least the other pathetic losers in the school knew not to chance their luck with the head girl. He rolled his hands up into fists as he thought about it, resisting the urge to scoff at his own stupidity, and ground his teeth together in frustration, staring down at the powder-blue carpet. Why had he acted on impulse, like only an idiot would have done? Ah, that's right: because he _was_ an idiot.

"Oi, don't beat yourself up about it, mate." He stood up, taking the couple of steps needed to close the gap between them, and then dropped onto Ross's bed beside him, slinging an arm over the dark-haired boy's shoulders. "What's the expression, er, there are plenty of other birds in the sky, or something. I don't know."

"Fish in the sea." Ross corrected him, frowning. Even feeling this dour, he still relished in being able to correct his friend.

"Ah, but she's not a fish, this Taylor. She's a bird, same as all the other birds in the school. And, don't get me wrong, she's _proper_ fit - I mean, I'd take my hands away from my guitar for _her_ , if you know what I mean." He wiggled his eyebrows, grinning wildly, and Ross resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "But, there are plenty of other birds out there, mate, you just have to know where to look." He squeezed Ross's shoulders reassuringly. "And no, not in dark alleys or seedy bars, you randy fuck."

"I...I wasn't..." Ross furrowed his brows, then, not really in the mood to joke with his friend as he usually would have done.

"Relax, mate, I'm joking. But yeah. Plenty of other birds out there. You'll get over this one soon enough, now you know there's no point in sticking about and waiting to see if she feels the same. Gives you more time to go at it like a demon when you think I'm not in the other room." Alex screwed up his nose in mock-distaste, and Ross's cheeks burned. Dammit, he wasn't usually this easily embarrassed by the stuff Alex joked about. This was just how his friend was, with his crude jokes and seedy humour. "Not even laughing? Aw, mate, you've got it bad. Here, I've got the perfect idea. Get your mind off it, no bother." He rose from the bed, then, as Ross spoke.

"If you say either World of Warcraft, or Pornhub, I swear to god, Smith..." Ross forced a smile onto his face, and Alex raised his eyebrows in mock-surprise at his friend, crossing his arms over his chest and feigning shock.

"Two _very_ different routes to distraction, but if that's what you're into, mate, I'm not stopping you." Alex winked, before crossing the room and digging around under his bed. Then, with a grin, he pulled out six or seven cardboard cartons, placing each one on his bed. Eggs? So that's what that god-awful stench had been for the past couple of days. Their dorm room didn't have a refridgerator, unlike most of the rooms in the building, and so Ross wondered just why Alex had been storing eggs under his bed, and for just how long. "I've been planning a little trip for a while now. Was hoping to wait until prom, to crash it because, let's face it, anybody who spends a few hundred quid on a bloody suit, or double that on a dress, deserves to get egged, don't they?" Ross didn't quite share the same sentiment, although he didn't voice that fact. Instead, he wondered how on earth Alex expected to store several cartons of eggs under his bed for the next few months, without anybody noticing the smell. He resisted the urge to rethink his earlier statement about Alex being quite observant and thorough. "You seem like you need some cheering up, though, I'll admit, so I've something special planned. But you've got to help me smuggle these things out the school and off the grounds, until we're there. Got it?" Ross nodded soundlessly, and proceeded to help Alex put the cartons of eggs into his backpack.

That was how, barely a half hour later, they found themselves at the river not a ten-minute walk from the school grounds, legs dangling over the edge from underneath the barrier that framed either side of the bridge, the cartons of eggs sitting in a pile between them. Alex was playing an egg around in his hands, grinning, and watched the path beneath them, which wound off into the distance entirely parallel to the dark water. Ross glanced about them almost warily, making sure nobody could see them, and wondered just what Alex wanted to achieve by sitting at a bridge with seven cartons of eggs.

"Tell me when you see someone- Wait, mate, grab an egg, there's a bloke." Alex's movements were quick, and in one fluid movement, he had swung his arm around, the egg flying out of his hand and down onto the path below. Just as it looked as though it would hit the ground, a figure came into view, face obscured by the hat they wore, and the egg landed right on the brim of their hat. Alex snickered, and the man seemed not to notice, walking on, egg dripping from the back of his hat. Ross cocked an eyebrow, glancing sideways at his friend. This was his big plan?

"How is this meant to make me feel any better?" Ross asked curiously, scratching his head for a moment. If anything, this was an excuse for Alex to act like a 12-year-old and throw rotten eggs at innocent passersby, and he wasn't sure how that was meant to make him feel better about making him look like a total pleb in front of half the school. Still, he kept a little faith in Alex's idea, and took an egg from the open carton atop the pile, rolling it around in his hands. The shell was cold, and a foul smell came off it, as though it had been under Alex's bed for a while. He grimaced, before slipping his legs back out from under the barrier, pushing to his feet and glancing down at the path. It was silent - of course it was, nobody bothered to go to the river at all, let alone at night. They had been lucky to see one person wandering down the path, and even luckier for him to not have noticed the egg that had landed on his hat.

"It's been scientifically proven that egging innocent pedestrians," Alex tried his best teacher-voice, "helps to release a certain chemical in the brain that helps to reduce tension and stress, particularly stress and tension caused by rejections from birds that just aren't worth even half the trouble." A smirk ghosted its way onto his face, and Ross could tell, looking down at his friend, that he was trying his best to keep a straight, almost solemn, face. Ross folded his arms over, leaning forward against the barrier, and studied Alex with one eyebrow raised, still holding loosely onto the egg.

"And what scientific research might this be based on?" Ross humoured him.

Alex grinned, then, an almost feral smirk as he played another egg around in his hands, looking up at Ross. "Every time I got pissed off with my parents when I was little, I'd steal their eggs to fuck 'em up. 'Course, when I was 12, it was all about throwing eggs at tractors and seeing what happened. I swear, those fucking things move fast when they want to, the pricks." Ross smiled at that. It was a classic Alex Smith thing, throwing eggs at tractors. He wondered if such a thing was to be blamed on his friend having grown up in the country, or just Alex's natural talent at being the biggest twat Ross knew. "Hey, there we go. Oi, mate!" Alex all-but leapt to his feet, calling through cupped hands, and a figure on the path below them turned his head, glancing up at the bridge. Alex grinned wildly, launching the egg, and when it landed at the person's feet, they groaned. A part of Ross felt bad for the fellow, but Alex's excited cheering still made him smile, nonetheless.

"I still don't get what this is meant to achieve, Smith." Just as Ross spoke, though, he heard a loud group of voices, echoing from under the bridge, and Alex took two eggs, grinning like a madman. Ross glanced curiously down onto the path, and a moment or two passed before his eyes met a large crowd of people, all walking in the same direction. He studied the tops of their heads, mostly hooded or wearing hats, and then saw one of the figures look up at the sky, and his stomach twisted in a knot. Taylor. Her brilliantly blond hair shone against the pale late-October moonlight, and she was grinning, the sight making Ross's cheeks flush bright red. Dammit, he couldn't throw any eggs, not when _she_ was down there, and there were all those people, his year's elite and popular.

Before he had the chance to opt out, though, Alex had already thrown an egg, and it landed with a loud splat, right on top of somebody's head. Alex laughed to himself, beginning to throw egg after egg, and Ross heard a chorus of groans and squeals as the group tried to dodge the eggs. Did they really have no idea where they were coming from? Ross glanced towards the egg carton, seeing it was empty, and quickly fumbled to open the next one for Alex, before taking an egg out himself and playing it around in his hands. Then, taking a deep breath, he tossed it over the barrier, and it fell, so quickly, down towards the group on the path.

The egg cracked open atop a head of blindingly blond hair, and he heard a squeal that had something stabbing in the pit of his stomach. Dammit, of all the people he could have hit! He glanced, almost in a panic, towards Alex, who shot him a thumbs-up and grinned as he threw egg after egg, knocking empty cartons away to open the next one.

"What the fuck?!" Ross heard from down below, and he gritted his teeth, throwing another egg and watching it hit somebody's jeans.

"That's what you get for laughing at my mate, you pricks!" Alex shouted, still relentlessly throwing eggs until, what seemed like only a second after he had started throwing them, all seven cartons were empty. Both boys scrambled blindly in the last box, coming up short as they realised there were no eggs left, and then Alex gulped, looking down at the path again.

One of the figures - a tall, muscled boy with dark hair and a murderous expression on his face - was scowling up at them, looking between Alex and Ross incredulously. Then, he shouted.

"You're fuckin' dead, Smith!" Then, the figure started to move, as did several others in the group, and Alex glanced quickly towards Ross, his eyes wide in mock-horror, gaping exaggeratedly.

"Every man for himself, mate." And then he turned, beginning to dash away, and it took Ross a moment to realise that _he_ should have been running, too. He could hear fast footsteps behind him on the pavement, and his stomach flew up into his throat as he ran, trying to follow where Alex went, making sure his idiot of a friend was at least always in his line of sight.

He wasn't sure how long they'd been running before he realised that the footsteps behind them had stopped, and they were back on campus, Alex laughing breathlessly, eyes crinkled at the corners and tears squeezing out of his eyes in his mirth. Ross, for a moment, tried not to laugh, knowing how stupid their actions had been, and off-campus, too, but one look at Alex's face was enough to drive him into a relentless fit of laughter, until he was almost doubled-over laughing, clutching his stomach.

"Did that help?" Alex asked, trying to sound sincere but failing as he chuckled, wiping his eyes and straightening up. Ross shrugged, but smiled nonetheless. He did feel better, he had to admit. He just knew that the feeling wouldn't last. "Can't have you lusting after birds that get egged, Ross. Could say it's... _scramble_ -ous."

"Oh, my fucking- _No_." Ross groaned at his friend's joke. "That was so bad, oh my god."

"Not as bad as those eggs, mate. Been under my bed for about a week and a half, they haven't been refrigerated..." He sucked in a breath through gritted teeth, grimacing a little, and then threw and arm over Ross's shoulders. "Downside, the bird'll never date you. But I mean, we knew that already. Upside? She's gonna be smelling like eggs for a few days, at least. Might need to start sneaking food up to the dorm from the canteen just so I'm not put off." He grinned.

"Don't you do that anyway?" Ross cocked an eyebrow, hinting towards the eggs under Alex's bed.

"True, true, but it's not as if I was gonna _eat_ the bloody things." He smirked, wandering across the tarmac and towards the dormitory building on the far side of the campus.

Ross slid his hands into his pockets, smiling to himself. He was really glad he had a friend like Alex, now he thought about it. For all his flaws and problems, he knew there weren't many people around who would have tried to cheer him up after facing rejection, let alone by throwing eggs at the girl who had rejected him. And, as pathetic as his actions had been, he really was awfully glad that Alex Smith was his best friend.


End file.
